Some of my singing engagements take place late at night, in the homes of strangers, without audiences or music, and may appear to be elaborate art or jewel heists. Therefore, it is necessary for the accompanist to play from music sheets of binary code, create music by striking the keys with an oversized faux-wooden club, and play with ankles and wrists cuffed.
#Accompanist positions serial
To build intrigue, the accompanist may be billed as an android, caveman, confirmed serial killer who is shortening his prison sentence through a musical community-service program, or all of the above. Depending on availability of tour funds, I may or may not be able to replace those keys, so the ideal candidate should show discretion when selecting which two to four keys he will consume. When audience members are especially rude and ungracious, the accompanist may be required to remove and eat two to four piano keys without flinching or blinking in order to silence the unruly spectators. Mysterious facial scars are a HUGE plus, but not required. To intimidate any potential hecklers, accompanist should be at least seven feet tall and weigh no less than two hundred sixty pounds. Accompanist should also be willing to have his grand piano modified and custom-fitted with pyrotechnics so that, when the ominous chord is struck that opens each show, my name will be spelled out in multi-colored flames. The ideal candidate will be classically trained, able to sight-read, and capable of playing with his feet on demand.Īccompanist must supply his own grand piano and grand piano transportation. Well-established performer seeks piano accompanist for upcoming singing tour.